wow can you belive they still perscribe Tincture of Opium? LOL I guess its got its uses...Pop is taking it for his diarrhea and any pain he might have. 10-12 drops from a dropper... talk about strong stuff LOL 

well we will see how it goes they discharged him from the hospital but I dont know how strong he is...

Time passes....

so far Opium is having the expected effect.... now I have to guard against constipation.... the sucky thing is its a every 4 hour drug... and I am already bloody tired.... stupid chest cold.

wow can you belive they still perscribe Tincture of Opium? LOL I guess its got its uses...Pop is taking it for his diarrhea and any pain he might have. 10-12 drops from a dropper... talk about strong stuff LOL 

well we will see how it goes they discharged him from the hospital but I dont know how strong he is...

sooo Pop is outta the hospital.... still really dont know whats goin on.... but his blood finally came back fine so they let him go. the theory is that the combination of slight dehydration, drinking alcohol, and the chemo that  it just threw  his body for a loopdeloop.
first his heart enzymes the CK was in the 1000's but the T which signifies heart attack was not elevated... so the theory is the CK measures muscle enzymes they think he fell an told noone. so those start going down, then his potasium drops too much, so they get that up then his magnesium drops so they run a IV dose of that threw to him. then this las set of labs come back ok an they kick him out..... LMAO  I would have at least kept him till 2 sets of labs came back fine myself but heck maybe they did.... nahhhh I dont thinks so I think they booted him ASAP.

But he looks better has a spring in his step an that makes me smile!

now to see what the dr has planned next.... I dont think he will want to continue on the same meds as we have been because he went to the hospital.... I think he will recommend a break an then try something different. I do know that I made a observation.... when he gets extra fluids at the time of chemo he does ALOT better I think its cause of his drinking which is less than it was but still not good.... so I am gonna try to get them to run fluids with any an every treatment he gets.

ok Im gonna get a nap I tink... I havent slept well in days...

so according to all the Drs the treatment is just a life extending thing...

Dont expect too much out of it...

OK fine I did that I got myself all in the thought process of "hes DYING" and I got grips with that for the most part... 

Well I get the CT an I find that while we still have alot to go there is REALLY good improvement! THATS AWSOME RIGHT?!?!?! .....RIGHT?!?!?!?!?!..............well yea thats awesome! ...............But my brain is having a hard time dealin with the cancer is dying more so than he is... isnt that AWFUL?   What the hell kinda daughter am I that Im almost disappointed the treatments working????............... is it because I read all the horrible ways that others loved ones have passed on and dont want that for him???? Or am I just a total whack job that really needs to make a apt with her shrink?

I really do think Im whacked... or LOLO... get one screw loose... I  mean more than normal...***SIGH***

I do know that I dont want my dad to suffer... when I see him struggling to go up an down stairs like he was today just makes me sad... I think if I had to I could pick him up and carry him he's so thin. not the man I remember climbing 60 feet in the air with a chainsaw bigger than me when I was little,  to limb up trees that were growing the wrong way. Now he can barely pick up a gallon of milk.

so my friend Burl the one I talked about whoppin his kid for wanting a glass of water hasnt been over since. When I ask my friend Kieth if hes heard from him he gets mad all over again... I think its a bit of a case of everyone is mad at everyone else and noone wants to admit they are wrong/the other is right syndrome.

well I checked my Myspace an low an behold there is a comment waiting for me.... its a "stopping by to say HI " banner. under it is a note saying he hasnt heard from us... so that opened the line of communication right...so I sent him a a letter stating the way of my point of view... and how I care about him and his son and that we all need to talk to get everything in the open.  if he doesnt like what I wrote because of the truths that I put in there then thats the way it goes. I made the opertunity for our friendship to continue if he doesnt take the offered hand theres nothing more I can do. I am now guilt free Yeeeaaaa

so I wrote the following letter to my Mom , Sister, and Aunt that I was supposed to go visit with next week.  I mail the letter express today so it should reach there by 3pm tomorrow...I really think Im gonna unplug the phone for a few days.

6/21/07

Dear Mom, Tina, and Aunt Alice,

I am writing this letter because I get upset trying to talk to everyone on the phone.

I have this problem of trying to make everyone happy. Well I cant make everyone happy this time.  I have obligations and responsibilities that I have to take care of here. I hope that you can understand. There is nothing I would have liked better than to get to come out and see everyone all at the same time.

I may not have made things clear when I talked to you on the phone. So here it is…

Bob has Lung Cancer… it is Stage 4 Non-small cell Lung Cancer… It has metastasize (spread) to his Liver in multiple places… there are 2 places on his brain that may/may not be cancer too. We are waiting for a future Brain MRI to do a comparison

He is DYING.

The Dr. said without any treatment he would have 2-5 months… with treatment depending on how well the cancer responds to treatment he will have double that time possibly more. There is a small (very small chance) that the treatment he is getting will cure the Cancer.

A cure is a long shot… I know it, Bob knows it (most of the time).

Bob has had bad reactions to the Chemo… put him in the hospital bad. 4 days in the hospital due to a reaction. Extreme fatigue, lack of appetite, and dehydration.

Alan my hubby has no clue about anything medically related. Plus he works nights and would not be able to keep a eye on him properly. So while Bob keeps trying to tell me to go… I in good conscious CAN’T leave and be so far away.  He has had short term memory problems and cannot remember what medicines to take when/why ( even tho I have a list that says what and when/why)

Aunt Alice…. This is not something I planned and I am so very sorry that you worked so hard to make a place for us to stay. I hope that you know I didn’t do this on purpose.

Mom… I know that you may not have understood the severity of Bobs condition. I'm sure if you were the one with Cancer, you wouldn't want me to leave at a time like this, so I know you can understand why I can't leave Bob.

Tina…. Shit… what can I say the Universe Fucking Sucks! I love you! know that! And we will get together at some point…even if I have to fly you out for the funeral. Then bring your butt home with me to see everyone else.

Lots of Love!

I have trouble not feeling guilty... I feel like I need to fix everything and everyone. When I cant i take the blame for everything that goes wrong... woulda, coulda, shouldas reign supreme. If If IF.... I beat myself up till im a crying beaten mass of jello. (ok maybe not that bad) I have been gettting better about taking the burden of things I cant control onto my shoulders but its was ingrained so severly by my Ex-husband that EVERYTHING was my fault and he beat me for it that Im programed to think that way first. It doesnt help that I am a giving, caring person by nature and always wanna do something for someone to help... that I forget to help myself along the way.

So while this isnt what they want to hear it the my world is right now and they will have to deal.....Oddly enough I think my sister will get a bug up her butt and drive out here to see me...that would be fine with me. I just think Im gonna unplug my phone for the next couple of days.

 I am so Fucking PISSED OFF!!!!!

OMG I wanted to beat the crap outta him!!!

so its Saturday...our usual day to play D&D...everything is going ok got a houseful of 5 kids under the age of 7yrsold and Kevin running around...our usual madness... well our friend B has a 5 yr old hes a single dad with all the stress an BS of being a single dad entails... sooo we had to coax the kid to eat (hes a little ADHD and so is easily distracted) finally had to have him go in another room to finish eating cause he was distracted by the TV... well he came to his dad an wanted a glass of water cause he was thristy... dad offered his glass an said drink this ... we Csaid no he wanted his glass an Dad LOST IT "C" tried to get his own cup an Dad (B) went off an said no he cant have any water now.... this kid is only 5 he only knows hes thirsty and is getting late and hes tired and dad yells at him to sit in the couch he had his chance to drink something an he said no.... well any child is going to be a bit defiant because they are thirsty he tells dad no an dad say you want a spanking he said no he thirsty an dad LOST IT took off his belt and threatend him with it...

no mind ya we are a close nit group of friends that discipline eachothers kids as needed... but this was crazy....

the kid cried no dont spank me then dad said to be quiet or hed get 2 then child continued to say nonononono... I mean come one what else is a kid gonna do well he escalated to 4 then 6 then 8 and then proceeded to whoop on him... FUCKING A  what the FUCK?!?!?!?! if I didnt have my son who is 2 starting to get scared in my arms I swear to god I would have been on him in a heartbeat!!! that is EXTREME all the kid wanted was his own glass of water an verbalized it.

all of us tried to talk to him (B) and he shut us down....

I had to leave the room

I was in tears... that poor kid... he wasnt beat beat but it was still extreme to a point... I mean what is it gonna do to that kid growing up.... he gets shut down by his dad for verbalizing his own wants... it wasnt unreasonable... I have plenty of cup... If he is treated this way at home how will he grow up? a brow beaten child or a rebel teen not being functional as a adult?

what upset me the most is the want to throttle a really good friend... I have already told my hubby to tell him he better not do it again cause I will be wearing a belt next visit and if he starts on him for no reason with a belt I will be right behind him wailing on him so he knows what it feels like.

dont get me wrong... I belive in a firm spanking when the need arises.... but hell a fucking glass of water??!?!?!?!?! no child deserves 8 whips with a belt for wanting his own glass of water.

Isnt it odd how one minute you can be worried sick that the body is failing and then next thing you know the body REBOUNDS...

Dad was discharged today...his white count went up from 1.5 to 3... and his labs came back clean. YEA!!!
so he is still one precautions to limit his outside contact and no gardening without gloves  till his white counts go up more. he is happy to be home with his grandkids ( gave them all a hug) an hes happy to have Cable LOL.

got a apt next week to see the DR to check counts and all that... thanks to everyone that parayed for him and please dont stop... I think he wants to keep fighting... it so its going to be a battle.